Nothing screams patriotism like morons and fireworks!  So remember everybody, if you’re going to set off fireworks, make sure someone is taping it in case something horrible awesome happens.

WARNING: Strong Language

Pretty sure I wouldn’t want to put my junk in any of those dirty White Sox.

I knew that there was a reason for his breakdown on the South Side.  The media wanted you to believe it was caused by some sort of angst with the team.  Man, I did not think these words were that harsh, I guess Zambrano was very sensitive that day.  C’mon Carlos, you can deal with a stumbling White Sox fan!

This is why I could never be a professional athlete, way too much pressure and taunting. If someone taunted me I would either break down and cry or seek revenge.  If revenge was my answer, I would chuck the ball in hopes of shutting him up.  The problem is I am not a professional athlete.  I would miss the guy, and with my luck probably hit a baby!

Put another one on the board for the good guys, you know, the dogs.  This should go out as a warning to all you smart ass cats.  Mess with a dog and they will put you in your place.

I have to say though, watching the Cubs this year makes me feel exactly like this cat.  Really, losing to the Pirates again and again and again?

Lady, why are you jumping off the swing?  This was cute and fun when you were a little bit younger, and wee bit smaller.  Who cares if she is ok, I care more that her weave/wig made it through this rocky exchange.  That’s it, I am buying myself a weave/wig.  It is time to live my dreams of being the sexiest Richard Simmons replica in the world!! Wish me luck!

Pure Sexy Gold!

Go Grandpa, it’s your birthday!  Old man’s got some moves.  He can join my dance crew anytime.  Someone tell those young dudes to get off Gramps’ d-floor.

“Hey, I guess they’re right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose. I’ll be right back. Don’t you go dying on me!”

Proof of why Mannelly is a captain.  Skill, consistency, leadership all wrapped up in one package.  Although, I would like to see him snap things that aren’t footballs.  Watermelons, bowling balls at windows, rolls of toilet paper on trees, maybe even water balloons at hipsters if there’s time.

After watching that, I’m going to have to sleep with the lights on for the next 2 weeks.  Seriously, how is that guy not locked up yet?  Pretty sure if the authorities went to his house they’d find scores of dead people.

This is scarier than the Cubs bullpen.  Which is terrifying.

Maybe this soccer team should stop acting like a girl’s softball team and focus on the game, huh?  Flopping, short shorts, and now choreographed dances?  Someone call me when soccer starts wearing man pants.  Until then, I’m not watching until the U.S. is in the World Cup again.

I have to admit, I am the first one to make fun of stupid viral videos.  However, @TheRetarCrew strikes again with another excellent video.  I actually caught myself singing the chorus on a conference call today.  However, can we stop with the Lebron mother lyrics, that is just not right!  My question is what other sports videos can they do. Here are some thoughts for you guys:

1.  A rap focusing on what exactly is going on in Carlos Zambrano’s mind during the day.

2.  Instead of Heads, Shoulds, Knees and Toes, can you do Aromashodu, Afalava, Idonije and Omalaye…good luck!

3.  A video attempting to translate Ozzie Guillen press conferences